I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
