I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Still dying that you shit outside
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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