Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
