I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
