Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
