I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
