I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
