If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
