seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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