and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
