apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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