he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
