We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
