he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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