I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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