its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
3 2 1 whiskey
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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