Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
