I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The power of my boobs compel you
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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