Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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