I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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