if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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