so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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