I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
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Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
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So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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