I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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