This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
