it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
