I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
