why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
