I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
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He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
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Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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