I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Randomize
