Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Come see our sink grown plant.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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