my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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