Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
