i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
