I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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