Can Purell be used as lube?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
