put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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