im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
