Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
