dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
