The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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