I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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