She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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