At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
