I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
