Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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