you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Randomize
