you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
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She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
whose ass print is on the piano?
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No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.