So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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