I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
