Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
