At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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