I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
