I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
