I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
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I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
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Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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