it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
